James Metcalfe
Reconciliations can be the much-needed conclusion to any fight or falling out that has gripped either two people or an entire group for any amount of time. However beneficial they may prove though, reconciliations are not without their own stresses and hardships one has to pull through for the whole venture to be worthwhile. This article attempts to go through some of the most honest and invaluable pointers surrounding the world of reconciliations, even throwing in two of the best settings to hold that conversation at the bottom of the piece.
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#1 Understanding Different Meanings For Different People
A successful reconciliation may not mean the same to all parties. We may envision lots of togetherness, involvement in day-to-day life, and one big happy family. Someone else may see reconciling as a couple of holiday visits per year and a birthday card or bouquet. Forethought and honesty about what reconciliation means are important caveats for success.
Contributor: Sheri McGregor, M.A. at Done With The Crying and rejected parents
#2 Things To Combat
Unfortunately, the majority of the reconciled speak of much stress, a lack of trust, and fear that it won't last anyway. That's because there is often a lot of stressful history and hurt. Relationships need re-negotiation, too. People change in the interim.
Contributor: Sheri McGregor, M.A. at Done With The Crying and rejected parents
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I want to invite my daughter to a private 3 day mother daughter retreat focusing on reconciliation. I don’t think she will go, but if she does, we live 14 hours apart, I am fearful there won’t be enough opportunity to continue to heal.
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Can you please provide with info
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I just wish my son (my only child) would be open to talk to me. We had a wonderful bond and relationship. He met a nice girl and I thought this would be the daughter I never had. How wrong I was!
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I have the same issue but with 2 sons.
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I have the issue , you are not alone
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I have the same issue , you are not alone !
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I had a gathering with my 3 kids to be ambush which I knew it was. Going to happen. My oldedt daughter. Married to a senators son. She has always. Thought she was. Better do to her mothetn law. Plus she teaches k. Whereas her. Morals.
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WHAT
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I read it as: I had a gathering with my 3 kids. It was an ambush, I knew that was going to happen. My oldest daughter is married to a senators son. She has always thought she was better than her mother-in-law. Plus she teaches kindergarten. Where are
her morals?
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#3 Outside Forces
Sometimes it's an outside force that brings reconciling about. Some parents said that the spouse of an adult child was instrumental in bringing them back together. Sometimes a sibling helps facilitate a sister's or brother's return to the fold. Most often, my survey revealed that reconciliation is initiated in the face of big events. A baby is born or on the way, a family member dies, a wedding occurs, or the adult son or daughter who estranged themselves is going through a divorce or facing a life threatening illness.
Contributor: Sheri McGregor, M.A. at Done With The Crying and rejected parents
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I don’t see a happy ending for my situation. I truly hope I am wrong but it doesn’t look like there are any rainbows on the horizon – only storms.
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Yep. I go to counselling and they’re all “Let it go!” It’s not a kite! It’s my only child and my grandchildren!
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No happy ending for me too
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Same in our situation! Ugh
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Beware siblings with reconciliation agendas. When I was 10 years my dad shouted while abusing me “.he had to restrain himself from KILLING me.”Today I want NO relationship with my parents & my sister doesn’t want elderly parent burdens. Tough for sis
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Yeah, I got pulled into that trap. 10 years of my life sucked away when “helping” was here, you do it.
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When a family member dies they are off celebrating. When a baby is born that is one more grandchild you won’t see. Weddings are parties that exclude you. Your child’s divorce is a time when they are dating again. I don’t believe this survey.
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I am beginning to believe this to be true.
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#4 Continued Stresses
Among those who have reconciled for more than a short period or between episodic estrangements, there was either agreements to let bygones be bygones or continued family counseling. Among these, parties still viewed the reconciliations as stressful, but they felt good about trying and were motivated to work it out. Sometimes, the motivation derives from related relationships the parties valued, such as grandchildren or extended family.
Contributor: Sheri McGregor, M.A. at Done With The Crying and rejected parents
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Therapists agree – you need to deal with the past before moving forward.
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My daughter isn’t healed and doesn’t want to revisit the past, but this is true.
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Exactly. If you don’t deal with the past it will come to haunt you again.
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My daughter would never agree to counselling. My son has been in therapy for years. Not sure about this one.
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Narcissistic people do not agree to counseling. Neither do people with borderline personality disorder. These two groups are most likely to be the children you are estranged from. What does this person have her M.A. degree in????
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Finally someone who spoke sense.
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Narcissistic here . . . Suppose that is why we are still where we are 5 years later.
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I have BPD and have been in therapy and have actually grown and learned to manage my issues. People are NOT just a diagnosis. Don’t be so judgmental
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Always bygones, never facing the music
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Agree.
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#5 Cafes/Malls
Find a fairly quiet and accessible coffee shop. Offer to buy the person a coffee. Make sure to bring a book or laptop so that you can work on something if the person ends up not showing up.
The mall is a great place if you want to reconcile and then run errands afterwards. Food courts are especially spacious and quiet enough for reconciliation.
Contributor: Alex Tran from we love eat travel
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dont know if my son will come around however my daughter came to my work with my granddaughters i was out to lunch
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Very public place is best so others can witness their verbal attacks.
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Tried didn’t happen
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THey kind of have to answer the phone, text, letters, e-mails, the door for any of this to happen.
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#6 Visiting Their House
I suggest this if you're in the wrong. Ask to come over to their house to reconcile. Bring a gift (coffee, lunch, flowers). Make the effort to reconcile if you're in the position to apologize.
Contributor: Alex Tran from we love eat travel
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I wouldn’t know what to bring! She goes through these phases and gets all mad if I don’t psychically know what the trigger or whatever of the hour is.
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Apologize for what? No expectation that the other person do the same?
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Don’t know where the home is
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fortunately, I’m a good detective. She moved and didn’t say a word to me. That was the start. After I moved where she was at her request.
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I think I need a script or something. I’m used to being loved–by everyone not within the third degree akin to me. My parents and my sister, I understood. My child, I can’t fathom.
As a single mother I had a wonderful relationship with my son until his girlfriend came along and brought toxicity into our world. She is estranged from her own parents when she was 16 years and has now caused my son to estranged from me .
I believe from her behaviour she is a convert narcissist!
Oh my..this site brought me here for exactly the same reason…my son lived with me in peace, for 27 years, while I paid for his schooling for 7 years. I too a single mother , worked myself two jobs to ensure he had a wonderful education and a home.
Same thing happened to me. My daughter and I had a close relationship for 20 years, until she married an insecure man who hated his mother. His own problems caused him to take his own life ten years ago. But there is too much water under the bridge.
Sometimes I wish my daughter’s husband’s recklessness and anger issues would take him out of the picture, but maybe his kids love him. His dad is a drunk, literally on Skid Row (He’s the only decent person in the family.) His mom is clinically psycho
but she gets to babysit when her husband isn’t too drunk and violent … they came to our house and never spoke, walked right past my father’s outstretched hand, picked at and complained to each other about the food my daughter fixed …I’m at a loss
I do not have a relationship with my two daughters, one daughter has my three grand-children. I am unable to change how my daughters think although the one with the grand-children also has bi-polar it got to the point everything I said was wrong.