Take a deep breath. You are no doubt confused, hurt, betrayed and angry. The process of getting over the affair will take time. Try to remain as calm as possible. Eventually, find a calm way to discuss what happened with your spouse. The healing will start once the affair has stopped. It’s hard to rebuild trust after the affair if the affair is still going on.
If she is still busy with someone elsewhere, she will not be as invested in staying in the relationship. After the affair has stopped and that exit is sealed, you both need to talk about what happened. Ask whatever information you need to ask about what happened so that all doubts can be removed and you can start getting over the affair. Share your feelings of hurt and pain and have the opportunity to be validated. (This will most likely need to happen more than once. Repeat as necessary)
Once this is done, she should make amends by showing real remorse, asking for forgiveness and ensuring (sometimes silently) she does something that will help you feel loved, some type of consistent new behavior. This reassurance by her is going to have to be consistent and heartfelt, something which will need to happen over time and will require effort. After that, time is needed to work on the relationship, exploring the rupture that led to this place as well as ways to bring life and energy back into the marriage through love infusions. It may take time to repair and heal after the affair and infidelity but if you both are committed you can heal.
Contributors: Shlomo Slatkin from The Marriage Restoration Project