Nathaniel Fried
Fighting is never easy, let alone with someone you deeply care about. We gathered together relationship experts to give their take on how to stop arguing with your wife.
Ah, the wife…. How to stop arguing? No such thing. Arguments can help push us forward, and they can also make us crash and burn… You don’t need to stop arguing. You may need to discover how to argue properly.
– Caleb Backe
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#1 Gottman Institute says that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual conflicts
Gottman Institute says that 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual conflicts - that means they won't be solved! Tip #1 is to accept your differences. In other words, agree to disagree, and compromise on workarounds. Instead of asking your partner to be someone who loves keeping a clean house, agree on a compromise like they will have their own area to keep as messy as they want, or that they will clean when guests are coming over.
Contributor: Sara Stanizai
Company: prospecttherapy.com
#2 Buy yourself some time
Often we react and say/do something we will regret. Learning to say I'm not ready to decide that right now, or I need some time to think about that, or Can we talk about this tomorrow at dinner? Will help you avoid doing or saying something you will regret.
Contributor: Sara Stanizai
Company: prospecttherapy.com
#3 Think about what's underneath your anger
Think about what's underneath your anger. Is it sadness, hurt, fear, or embarrassment? Saying something like, I'm embarrassed when people see me waiting for you at the restaurant alone is much more difficult to argue with than, you're always late!
Contributor: Sara Stanizai
Company: prospecttherapy.com
#4 Know yourself
One reason we get into arguments is we don't realize we're angry until it's too late. Check in with yourself in the morning, throughout the day, when you're stuck in traffic, waiting in line, ordering lunch, etc. All of those moments have different feelings associated with them.
You can catch yourself feeling irritated, excited, bored, nervous, etc. and take a few deep breaths, turn on some music, or soothe yourself, so that those milder feelings don't turn into more intense feelings of anger by the time you get home. If you are calmer when you get home, you're less likely to take those feelings out on your partner.
Contributor: Sara Stanizai
Company: prospecttherapy.com
#5 Learn from the past
One of the advantages of being in long-term relationship or marriage is over time a couple has the opportunity to truly get to know each other. Anyone who has been living in close quarters with their spouse over a couple of years should be able to anticipate how they will respond most of the time. One of the best tactics is to play out the scenario in your mind before you do or say whatever you had planned.
Contributor: Kevin Darne
Company: lovealert911.com
#6 Pick your battles
Past experiences of arguing with your wife should give you some insight into our how she is likely to react or interpret a situation. This also allows you some time for contemplating whether or not it is truly worth the hassle. It's only natural for you to care about some things more than she does and vice and versa.
If you really don't care about don't fall into an ego trap of trying to win every argument. Sometimes you simply give in and other times you state out loud that this is an instance where you're going to have to agree to disagree.
Contributor: Kevin Darne
Company: lovealert911.com
#7 Remember there is more than one way to compromise
Oftentimes when we think of the word compromise we imagine both people being unhappy as they meet in the middle. In other instances, it's one person who is completely unhappy as they engage in something they detest in order to appease their spouse. However, there is another form of compromise which involves each person doing his or her own thing. Odds are each person would have a better time with a friend who enjoys the same activity than they would be forcing their spouse to join them.
Too often people buy into the idea that if someone truly loves you they should be willing to *suffer* for you. On the other hand, I believe* if you truly love someone you would not want them to suffer*! It's one thing if someone is ambivalent and another if they are adamant about how they feel about something.
Contributor: Kevin Darne
Company: lovealert911.com
#8 Anger is the mask that hurt wears
Ultimately most arguments come down to someone having had their feelings hurt. They may have felt their mate was inconsiderate, disrespectful, or insensitive. However, they may feel to state it that way is to come off as being weak so they choose to lash out instead. Nevertheless, if you are aware that the yelling is coming from a place of pain it's easier to neutralize by being calm instead of fighting fire with fire.
You understand you may have unintentionally slighted her in some way and can offer some genuine empathy along with why you didn't think she would mind.
Contributor: Kevin Darne
Company: lovealert911.com
#9 Know when to hold them; know when to walk away
There are three basic reasons why couples divorce
1. They chose the wrong mate. (In other words, they're too incompatible.)
2. A deal breaker was committed in the eyes of another.
3. They fell out of love or stopped wanting the same things over time.
If you're constantly fighting with your wife you cannot ignore the real possibility you may have married the wrong person. The goal is to find someone who shares your same values, wants the same things for the relationship you do, naturally agrees with you on how to obtain those things.
Contributor: Kevin Darne
Company: lovealert911.com
#10 Breathe
Many times, we are caught up in the heat of the moment. We feel righteous, we feel steadfast in our resolve, and we want to get our point across now. Sometimes all you need to do is breathe deeply, into your stomach and chest, a few times, and only then continue talking. It helps anger subside, and brings more logic into the picture.
Contributor: Caleb Backe
Company: mapleholistics.com
#11 Listen. Properly.
Easier said than done, I know, but it matters. If you listen to your wife’s words, you will find that she is usually not attacking you or stifling you, but is merely expressing how she feels. Feelings change according to many factors, so try and make her feel heard. Don’t just stand there waiting for your turn to speak.
Contributor: Caleb Backe
Company: mapleholistics.com
#12 Use “when you, I feel” sentences
We sometimes assume too much and accuse too much, and we feel we have every right to do so. Even if we do, there is a good chance that it will all backfire due to anger and misspeaking. By using sentences which include “you” AND “I”, rather than just “you”, we open the door to negotiation and self-expression. This is what a partnership is. And a big part of arguing is side-stepping the nasty parts and getting to the point where new information comes to light.
Contributor: Caleb Backe
Company: mapleholistics.com
#13 Use predetermined terminology
Decide on a few key words or phrases which signify something you both understand, and which put a certain procedure into action immediately. Very much like have a “safe word” in sex, which stops anything and everything right away. It could mean you or they have crossed a line; it could mean you need a minute alone to gather your thoughts; it could mean that you feel you are not being heard properly - anything you want, really, which could benefit you both.
Contributor: Caleb Backe
Company: mapleholistics.com
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